In class on Tuesday, we were discussing the age of which people are getting married right now, and why that may be significantly impacting the family as a whole. As a homework assignment we had due today, we were asked to watch this documentary titled, New Economic Reality: Demographic Winter. It taught us about how our population is actually on its way to decreasing, and the negative effects this will have on my current generation, our work ethic, our education levels, and yes, our economy. At one point, the documentary discussed women in the work force, women receiving college educations, the use of birth control, the age women were getting married, and how many children they were having. These things have given me a lot to ponder lately, and in attempt to understand where I stand on the matter, I am going to blog about it. This video discussed specifically the way women and their choices are impacting the world, and perhaps even more boldly, the way their choices are impacting family dynamics. Although the documentary was simply displaying reasons why our population is steadily decreasing in relevance to family, the discussion we had in class was making me insanely heated.

To be clear, I wouldn't consider myself a "feminist". Actually, to be perfectly honest, the definition of feminism could be debated and decided on an individual basis. I believe in equality, and I believe in love. I believe in education, I believe in motherhood.

I joined the Mormon church when I was 20 years old. I was young and barley starting out in life as an adult. I was emerged into a culture that was completely new to me. I was meeting young women who were getting married at 18 years old, and by the time they were my age, they had a child or two. Their husbands were perusing their college degrees, and from my observation, the woman were at home with the children. I really admired the appearance of these couples. Although young, they were mature. They worked hard to make their families happy, and that is exactly what I wanted. The church's views on family is one of the things that intrigued me to look into the church in the first place. Now of course this isn't what every situation looks like. There are plenty of young women who weren't married, had no children, and were still in college. Again, this was just my observation.
I always pictured myself married at 23 years old. I assumed I would get baptized, fall in love with someone who served his mission in Africa, and we would get married, have a few kids, and life would be happy and picture perfect.

Lets talk about reality for a second. I am 23. I am not with a man who served his mission in Africa. I am not married, and I have no children. My plan after baptism dramatically changed after I decided to serve an 18 month mission, putting my dating and college education on hold for that time. Not only did my plan change, but so did my opinions and views on basically everything. My mission changed me. I had a companion who had made the choice to come on a mission after graduating college with an impressive engineering degree. She was a strong and confident woman. She was intelligent, tough, and some day I knew would make an excellent wife and mother. She knew that too, but her desires to have a family did not detour her from continuing her education, working in a male dominated field, and reach every goal she has set for herself. She often expressed feeling personal struggle, between wanting to do what the Lord teaches, and still being able to maintain her goals. Would she really have to choose one or the other? I admired her greatly, and ever since our short lived companionship I have thought a lot about what I want for myself, as an individual. As a woman. As a daughter of God. I have wanted to be a wife and a mother since I was about 6 years old, and played house with my friends. I always envisioned myself married with a baby on my hip, and a casserole in the oven. That is the life I have always wanted for myself. As I grew older, and went through different phases of life, I developed a love for learning. As I served my mission in very economically and spiritually poor parts of Wisconsin, I realized I would be well suited for a profession in marriage and family therapy. I wanted to help these people understand how happy their lives could be. I wanted women to gain the confidence and the courage necessary to leave their abusive husbands. I wanted to help these people, and I knew as a missionary I was ridiculously limited in my knowledge and ability to help them in every way possible.

The internal battle I am facing right now is this: Does my church really teach that women are only designed to be mothers? Is my desire to have a career AND be a mother possible to achieve? Why are women looked down upon for wanting to travel, or not being married the moment they become a legal adult?

I instantly recall President Nelson's talk from October 2015 general conference:

"We, your brethren, need your strength, your conversion, your conviction, your ability to lead, your wisdom, and your voices. The kingdom of God is not and cannot be complete without women who make sacred covenants and then keep them, women who can speak with the power and authority of God!

President Packer declared:

“We need women who are organized and women who can organize. We need women with executive ability who can plan and direct and administer; women who can teach, women who can speak out. …

“We need women with the gift of discernment who can view the trends in the world and detect those that, however popular, are shallow or dangerous.”

Today, let me add that we need women who know how to make important things happen by their faith and who are courageous defenders of morality and families in a sin-sick world. We need women who are devoted to shepherding God’s children along the covenant path toward exaltation; women who know how to receive personal revelation, who understand the power and peace of the temple endowment; women who know how to call upon the powers of heaven to protect and strengthen children and families; women who teach fearlessly."

The first time I heard this, my initial thought was, "Yes! This world needs good women who are powerful and not afraid to embrace their power righteously." I was excited! I still listen to this talk and feel nothing but love come from the Spirit through the brethren who sincerely love the women in the church.

Elder Nelson continues to say, "Married or single, you sisters possess distinctive capabilities and special intuition you have received as gifts from God. We brethren cannot duplicate your unique influence...."

"Take your rightful and needful place in your home, in your community, and in the kingdom of God—more than you ever have before."

In class, my teacher said something that rubbed me the wrong way. In regards to girls being raised to get an education and start a career instead of spending their young adult years looking for a husband, my teacher compared being raised that way to being a girl brought up in the Soviet Union. I am certain that his comment wasn't meant to offend, and probably meant to be sarcastic, but I was taken back quite a bit.

I was automatically questioning myself. Is it my fault that I am not married because I decided to serve a mission when I was 21? Did I ruin my chance to marry? Was I raised wrong to believe that I can be patiently waiting for the right person to come along while I further my education? Why does the culture in the church make me feel so inadequate as a woman? How come it is so wrong to be married a little older?

The Mormon culture, and even the leaders council us to get married young, probably to "avoid the pitfalls of mortality" (Elder Richard G. Scott, April 2011 General Conference). I was raised to marry the right person at the right time in the right place. I was pretty shocked when the majority of my class agreed that the younger you get married the better it is for you. Marriage allows us to grow and learn. It is a commandment that makes us happy. I am excited for the day I can be married to my best friend, but I am okay to wait. Wouldn't it be a better choice to marry a little bit older, than to marry too young, and make crucial mistakes that will affect bringing children into the world? What about the divorce rates of those who marry when they are young? What about the law of chastity? You cant tell me that young people have never made the choice to marry strictly due to the fact that they want to have sex without getting in trouble..... come on...

No one seems to ever talk about these possibilities, however the talk of the town here at BYU-I do, is always, "Oh, why aren't you married?" or, "You should start looking for your spouse soon..."

Why is it such a bad thing to tell your young daughters to focus on their education, work towards their goals, and let God send the right man to them? Why is it so terrible to wait to be married? Why are we being taught to search high and low, putting all of our other responsibilities to the back in order to find someone to marry? Since when was that okay?

Marriage involves someone else's agency. It doesn't matter how well we dress, how we do our hair, what our make up looks like, or how flirty we are... Sometimes God has a different plan. I would hate to be floating around this campus, feeling like my purpose here was nothing greater than a ring on my finger and a wedding announcement in the mail. It can be depressing to wonder when it will be you walking down lovers lane holding someone's hand. Every devotional is centered around the idea of getting married and starting a family, and apparently even our professors are making it seem pretty clear that this is all we are good for.
 Ladies and gentleman, this is the Mormon culture as a young single adult.

What about children?

I've met several married women here on campus who have felt a pressure to begin to have children right away. "I am only 20 years old, I am not ready to be a mother yet!"

My professor posed the question: "What happens to the spirits who don't get to come down here because a woman chooses not to have a child?"
The answers varied from, "Children will still be born in the millennium" or "They will go to someone else."
His response? "If you choose not to have kids, you are making someone's life miserable."
uhhh... what?

The Family a Proclamation to the World tells us, a long with scripture, that the Lord commanded us to multiply and replenish the earth. However, it is still between the Husband, the Wife and the Lord. If they choose to have one child, or one hundred, it is not up to us to judge why they made that choice. Agency is still a huge part of God's plan. I cant imagine He would want us to have children we couldn't afford to take care of, or perhaps even worse-children we didn't want to take care of. Is a child born in a home where their parents are neglecting them, really better than not having them at all?
I understand that all of God's children need and deserve a chance to come to earth and have this experience; but I can not get behind the idea that the choice of someone would completely de-rail God's plan for so many of His children. There are families who simply can't afford to raise more than a couple of children. Are they really making someone else's life miserable?

Women are being told that they cant "have it all". We must decide which we would prefer. Do we choose to receive a masters degree and become a Doctor or a Lawyer? Or, do we kiss those dreams good bye the moment that pregnancy stick gives us those two little lines?
Any career takes some form of sacrifice. We pay thousands of dollars and spend countless hours studying, losing sleep and our social lives, in order to graduate and get the job we have always wanted. Anyone who has ever believed that college is a breeze, has obviously never been to college. We make these sacrifices because we understand its importance-it makes us feel good about ourselves, teaches us discipline and allows us to develop a sense of self worth.

Parenthood, is also a sacrifice. Women surrender their body for 9 months, experiencing hormonal, physical, and emotional changes that impact her forever. Babies need constant attention and love. It is up to us to teach them how to walk, talk, write, tie their shoes, and some day, be a good citizen in their community. Parents pay for soccer games, dance lessons, birthday parties and all sorts of things just to see their children happy. Parenthood, coupled with marriage, teaches us to be selfless. It prepares us for Eternal life. It is the biggest sacrifice we will ever have to make.

Writing about it makes my heart melt. I cant wait to be a mother-and I know I will be a dang good one. I also feel a sickness in the pit of my stomach because I fear that some day, all the hopes and dreams I have made for myself the past 23 years will have to be disregarded if I choose to have a family. I shouldn't feel so torn and so upset. Why cant I have both a career and a family? Am I really so wrong to have these desires? We are counseled to receive an education, right? I would feel silly to have sacrificed all of this time, sleep and money for a piece of paper that I never utilize to help God's children. My career will help provide for the family that I would give my life for. I want to teach my daughters that if they work hard, they can be successful. Their dreams can come true if they move forward in faith, and put their back into it! What kind of example would I be setting for my children if I gave up the fight the moment I decided to bring them into this world? The influence of a good woman is never dismissed. Mothers have the most incredible honor, and I do not want anyone to believe for a second that I am grumpy about women who choose to stay home with their children OR women who choose to have a career. I believe that we can have both of those things.


Brothers and Sisters, we need to be sensitive and careful when discussing the family dynamics of the world-especially within the church. We are all individuals with specific reasons we are here on this earth. All of us have been commanded to marry and have children, and really, that is the biggest blessing we have been allotted. However, our worth should not be defined by how soon we got married, or how many children we have. We should not have to feel ashamed for our desire to improve ourselves or achieve our goals.

Men, if you want to stay at home with your kids while your wife works, I don't believe there is anything wrong with that. If its best for your family that she stays home, that is okay too-make sure she knows that her worth is greater than what she may believe. If you aren't ready to get married just yet, if you have some things you need to work on- that is okay too. Do not feel like you need to marry the first girl that comes along just because we are told to marry. This blog isn't just about women-you are important too. Like I said, I am not a feminist. I believe in equality. I believe in agency.

Do what the Lord needs YOU to do. If you need to serve a mission, go to college, take a break or whatever else, please, do not let the judgements and thoughts of other people be the reason you don't (or the reason you do).
Marry someone you love. Someone you support, admire, respect and adore. Have children because you want to be a parent, and desire to begin a family with that wonderful person you chose to love. Keep God in the center, counsel together with him ALWAYS. Everyone has a different path that will take us to the same destination *fingers crossed*

I really do believe that families are forever. Love is eternal. I believe that we have been blessed with all kinds of opportunities because God loves us so much, and wants us to utilize all of the tools He has given us so that we may learn to be like Him. He created us in His image... That means we are capeable of INCREDIBLE THINGS. Please know that you are divine and have infinite potential and worth. Please know that this life is meant to be enjoyed, and meant to bring love from all sorts of angles. Whatever your choice is, whatever you feel is right, know that Heavenly Father loves you.
Always move forward in faith, and stand firm in your conviction.
<3

What's the Big Deal?

Growing up I have always had a problem with who I am. I've never been skinny enough, tall enough, smart enough or pretty enough. These are deep rooted insecurities I struggle with on a daily basis. I wear make up and curl my hair in attempt to make up for the beauty I lack. The scale is my constant enemy and never my friend (especially since I am always down for a bacon cheese burger, French fries and a root beer float). I wear high heals to make up for the height I definitely don't have. I study my butt off to get the grades I want, and still cant manage to snag a 4.0

The fact of the matter is, I will never be perfect. Never. Not even if I pray, fast, study, run, get plastic surgery, or whatever else I can do to fix what makes me hate myself. The other half of this very real truth is that God created me. I am His daughter, His perfect creation. I was well thought out, perfectly designed. The imperfect body I am living in is only a temporary shell, and some day, all the things that are wrong, will be made right. No amount of make up, money, or desire to change will ever make it okay in my Heavenly Father's eyes, that I am completely dissatisfied with the life I have been given. Of course God wants me to be happy. He will never discredit our desire to be happy with who we are and what our lives are made of. However, I cant believe God is okay with us abandoning our true identity as His divine children.

This blog post is not one required for class (those will probably start up in the next couple of weeks.)

After watching this video in class:
College Kids Say the Darndest things: On Identity

I have been thinking so much about the importance of how we view ourselves and other people as children of God. I know what it feels like to be so uncomfortable with who you are, that the only option you feel like you have is to lock yourself in your room, Netflix binge, and hide away from the world. I know what it feels like to be fully convinced you have no worth. No one deserves to feel that way. I cant say I support the choice to change your gender and then have a rally to have your own bathroom-I honestly don't know how I feel about the matter. I would be lying if I said I wouldn't give a funky look, or have a negative thought about someone if they told me they were a 7 year old girl, when they clearly where a 30 year old man. Perhaps the problems are bigger than we can see or understand.

Satan is twisting eternal truths, and making us drift from absolute truth. What I know to be true has came to me through the Spirit because of fervent study and prayer. I know God is real, and has designed each of us for specific purposes, specifically the purpose of falling in love, getting married, and starting a family. However, the world is constantly telling us that who we are is not good enough, and what makes this so sad, is that all of us are guilty of believing it. I wish we could see ourselves as we really are; divine, beautiful, and worthy. I wish we would stop believing that we need to be a different gender, different race, height, weight, or someone else all together in order to feel loved or wanted. That is just NOT TRUE. We are surrounded by people who love us no matter the imperfection. We have a Father in Heaven who loves us perfectly, and only sees the good we are and can become.

So what is the big deal about being transgender? What's the big deal about choosing who we want to be? The big deal is that we are living in a world where we are forgetting the importance of being unkind. We are forgetting the impact our words and actions can have on the heart and soul of the people around us. Like I said, I am not sure if I really have an opinion about the matter, but there is one thing I stand firm on: I choose to be kind. If no one is causing harm to me, my family, or anyone else, I see no reason to be hurtful, mean, or discriminatory towards people and the choices they make. Only Jesus Christ and Heavenly Father can be the one to apply any kind of judgements on these people. As a Christian it is my obligation to love those around me regardless of their choices (unless harm and hurt is what they are after).

I want to make one thing clear: If you want to identify yourself as a dragon, a child, a male, female, a chair or what have you... you are still loved by God. If you want to cover yourself in tattoos, pierce every orifice of your body,  or whatever you desire, you are still loved by God.
Remember that these things do not change the perfect, divine, unique, spirit that is within that temporary shell. What the world says is okay, or what the world says is ugly or not good enough, is exactly the opposite of what is real and true. Some day, all of these trials and misfortunes will be put to rest. Life is about endurance, and learning to be happy while we push through all that pains and limits us.

Seek truth.
Seek love.
Seek light.

but for the love... don't seek temporary happiness.
Seek Joy.