The White Picket Fence

I have been thinking a lot lately about the family dynamic I was raised in. I have one single memory of my parents being married and together. Actually, I cant even say I remember them actually being 'together' because this memory feels like two different memories.

When I was 3, my family took a vacation to Disney World. I vividly remember a lot of details about this trip, down to the very night gown I wore to bed. Which, if you were wondering was a blue Pocahontas night shirt. I remember pretty extensive details about being at the swimming pool with my big brother. I remember the "Its a Small World" ride with the creepy dolls, which I happened to love. I remember the Dumbo ride, and going to a restaurant where the floor moved; kind of like the moving sidewalks at the airports. I still am not sure what restaurant this was, but my parents have confirmed that my memory isn't completely wrong.

However, all these details blend with the fact that I believed for a long time I took two separate trips: One with my mom, and one with my dad. Pictures prove that all 4 of us were together the whole time, and the vivid details I just listed are also not a figment of my imagination. Up until I recently started studying psychology along side studies for my major, I was never worried about my family dynamic as a child. I was never curious as to why my memory has separated such a happy thing into two.

In my marriage skills class last semester I had to write a family of origin paper, and think deep and hard about how the things I observed and experienced as a child will effect my marriage, and how I intend to handle it. Writing that paper was sort of like therapy for me. There are a lot of things I never noticed that were effecting me in my current relationships. I want to make one thing clear though, my parents were and still are good parents. I never saw them be harsh to each other, and they worked hard to make sure my brother and I were happy and healthy. In all honesty, divorce was probably the best thing they could have done. Without going into too much detail, it could have been much more damaging for me and my brother to be in a home where the parents are not loving, or happy with each other.

 In class on Thursday we talked about how the husband and wife are together, and they are equal. There is a "white picket fence" around them, creating specific boundaries to help protect and honor that relationship. Underneath them are the children, with another white picket fence around the whole family. The family has sub-systems within its own system, and each system is uniquely and independently important. Lots of couples will say, "my kids come first." Thank goodness they feel that way about their children, right? However, it has recently been drawn to my attention that when children are brought into this world it becomes increasingly difficult to maintain and work on the relationship that started it all. Why is marriage so important? Why does it become even more important when children are brought into the picture?
After all, if the relationship between the mother and the father didn't matter, divorce wouldn't be such a big deal, and neither would the future marriages of those children, right?

My parents divorce has changed my life. I don't have to remember extensive details to realize that because of that divorce the whole "white picket fence" theory was thrown out the window. All 4 of us had to start from scratch. My dad remarried a woman I developed a close relationship with, and her son and I were close enough in age to become very good friends. My mom dated a man for a very long time who had 3 children, and they lived with us for years. I adjusted to this new dynamic rather quickly. I went from having 1 sibling to having 5. Having my own bedroom to sharing it with 3 other children. I learned to share, learned to be the protective "big sister", and I often enjoyed being the leader of the pack. I wasn't a lonely little kid any more! Both of my families did a good job providing love and care for us. Every other weekend, like clock work, I would go from my tiny shared bedroom that was located in the basement of my grandmother's home, to Parker CO, where I had my own bedroom, a cold-a-sac full big houses. I was living two different lives. Both happy, but both very different. When I was about 14 years old I decided to move out of my moms house and in with my dad, and my timing is always impeccable, because my father and step mother had been having problems and chose to divorce. I was completely unaware. Not only did I just see them a couple times a month, but I had become accustomed to turning off my observational skills. I wanted to be happy and have a normal family. I was well aware that my family wasn't "white picket fence". I also had learned to pretend that wasn't the case.

My father has since then re married a wonderful woman, and the family that came with her has been a huge blessing to my father and me. My mother is no longer with my step dad, and again, without going into too much detail, that is for the better of all of us.

You're probably thinking that I am using this blog post as a way to mass invite everyone to my own pity party. Bare with me though.

The thing is, marriage is sacred. Its a bond. Its a covenant. It is a choice you make that will forever effect everyone around you, and everything you do. It changes our views, our minds, and if done sincerely, it will change our hearts.
Why do people get married with divorce as the plan B? Why is it so easy to forget how important the impact a marriage, good or bad, can have?

While on my mission, I saw a lot of happy families. All very different, but so happy. I could say that the gospel was what did it for them. I could easily say that the power of the sealing ordinance was so prevalent in their home; that their marital bond was strictly due to the presence of the Holy Ghost and those temple covenants. I wont say that though because there are plenty of people who do things the "right" way, and still end up in divorce.
This I can say: All of the couples I looked to and admired so greatly, had 3 marital attributes in common: loyalty, humility, and patience.
All three of these attributes stem from charity. A pure love for one another. A desire to serve with or without being asked. A rock hard determination to always communicate, be kind, and put their spouse first. They constantly made an effort, no matter how hard it was, to find time to go on dates, hold a hand, or sneak a kiss. These little rituals, as insignificant as they may sound, honestly make the biggest difference.
All of us have core needs to feel secure, appreciated, and loved... When husband and wife make an effort to fill those needs as much as they can, that white picket fence protecting their relationship gets stronger. They teach their children what love really looks like. They create a safe environment for those children to express themselves, learn to trust, and grow in all the ways they need. They will learn, by observing their parents, how to treat one another, how to solve conflict, how to communicate... Everything they see us do, they do too. If a husband and wife are working on their relationship that white picket fence is built and begins to protect. The home becomes a sanctuary, and a place of refuge for every member living within those walls.

Neither of my parents taught me through example what a healthy and loving marriage looks like. I know that my brother and I both struggle with things like communication, attachment, trust, and who knows what else. I would never point fingers at my parents and blame them for all of my problems. That just wouldn't be fair. I am an adult, and I have learned through out my life how to confront my weaknesses. I cant say that I wouldn't face the things I do if my parents were together and happily married, but I cant dismiss the possibility.

The point I want to make today is that the relationship between husband and wife is absolutely, 100% worth whatever effort it may take. President Thomas S Monson has said, "Choose your love, and love your choice."

Love is a choice. You don't fall in love. That just insinuates you can fall out of love, in which case makes love appear to be on a time bound track. That is just a stupid excuse, and I refuse to fall for that. Do you just "fall out of love" with your children? Does God "fall out of love" with us when we are stupid? No. Of course not.

Love is timeless. Love is eternal. If I am going to be frank, love is a commandment.
"Jesus said unto him, Thou shalt love the Lord thy God with all thy heart, and with all thy soul, and with all thy mind. This is the first and great commandment. And the second is like unto it, Thou shalt love thy neighbour as thyself.." (Matthew 22:37-39)
Any commandment given is coupled with our own choice.
To obey, or to not obey.
Why would love be any different? Why would marriage be any different?

Choosing a spouse is perhaps the biggest choice we will ever have to make.

Are we compatible? Will we grow together, in the same direction? What will they be like as parents? Will I still love him when he gets fat and bald? Do I still love her when she has morning breath?

Yes, even the things that seem temporal can be just the thing that throws everything off kilter.

A woman in Racine Wisconsin has been taking care of her husband Dave for about 15 years. After a few strokes, he had lost his ability to speak. He was a double amputee, and was unable to take care of himself at all. Day in, and day out. She chooses every morning and every night to bathe him and change his diapers. I was always in awe when we would visit them, because she never complained. She never batted an eye at any task she was confronted with. As a matter of fact, I often would see her look at him with nothing but love and admiration in her eyes. I remember her telling me once, "Dave is my best friend. He is my eternal companion. If this is what I have to do to show him I love him, and that the promises I made to him when we got married were sincere, I will. I wouldn't trade this life for anything, and I would do it all over again if I got a second chance at life."

That is what marriage is about guys. If you are looking at your future husband or wife and thinking to youself, "if we stay like this forever, I would be the happiest person in the world..."
You have some thinking to do.
Life throws unexpected curveballs at us every day. People get sick. People lose their jobs. Children are born, some with disabilities. Life happens.
Marriage is meant to give us added strength and comfort through the hard times. Marriage is about team work.

What does my "white picket fence" look like?
A husband who loves, supports and encourages me. Takes the time and effort necessary to calm my nerves, and help me stand when I am down. Someone who will defend my honor. Love my children.
My white picket fence isn't a one way street though. It is more of a round-a-bout. We both will work, do whatever it takes to provide a faith-filled loving marriage and family. We will know perfectly that if we choose not to fight, choose not to work, there is an out we can take. An out that will snatch us up and cheer on our pride. An out that will drive out the love and humility we worked so hard to develop in the first place.
Marriage and love go hand in hand with agency. Marriage is supposed to be eternal; without end. If you are really choosing to love someone, you give them all you can, even when things go downhill. Marriage provides the ideal setting for overcoming tendancies to be selfish or self centered. I realize it can be easier said then done.
A part of me is like, "Love is worked for. Love is hard work."
The other part of me though says, "If you really love someone, is divorce really the only way to solve the problems that arise? Isnt there a better way?"

We always have a choice.

I will love him with all my heart, mind and soul, and he will do the same. My children will be raised in a home where they can feel secure, and never doubt the love their family can provide. I don't expect perfection in my family, or anyone else's for that matter.
However, it is my right to have my stakes set high. Who ever I marry will be making the same commitment that is necessary to make a marriage last. A commitment designed to last throughout all eternity.

Who doesn't want that kind of marriage?
Who doesn't want their kids to have parents so loving and loyal to each other it makes them make gagging noises in the back seat of their mini van?

I believe that Christ will always make up for what we lack. Things that go wrong, even when we do give it all we got, will be made up for. We all make mistakes. Life happens. Choices need to be made.
Just like building our faith in God, we need not loose hope in the ability to love and be loved for all that we are. We need not fear that our imperfections will keep us from having that white picket fence. God always grants His children blessings.
Keep your heart open. Don't give up the fight.