To be clear, I wouldn't consider myself a "feminist". Actually, to be perfectly honest, the definition of feminism could be debated and decided on an individual basis. I believe in equality, and I believe in love. I believe in education, I believe in motherhood.
I joined the Mormon church when I was 20 years old. I was young and barley starting out in life as an adult. I was emerged into a culture that was completely new to me. I was meeting young women who were getting married at 18 years old, and by the time they were my age, they had a child or two. Their husbands were perusing their college degrees, and from my observation, the woman were at home with the children. I really admired the appearance of these couples. Although young, they were mature. They worked hard to make their families happy, and that is exactly what I wanted. The church's views on family is one of the things that intrigued me to look into the church in the first place. Now of course this isn't what every situation looks like. There are plenty of young women who weren't married, had no children, and were still in college. Again, this was just my observation.
I always pictured myself married at 23 years old. I assumed I would get baptized, fall in love with someone who served his mission in Africa, and we would get married, have a few kids, and life would be happy and picture perfect.
Lets talk about reality for a second. I am 23. I am not with a man who served his mission in Africa. I am not married, and I have no children. My plan after baptism dramatically changed after I decided to serve an 18 month mission, putting my dating and college education on hold for that time. Not only did my plan change, but so did my opinions and views on basically everything. My mission changed me. I had a companion who had made the choice to come on a mission after graduating college with an impressive engineering degree. She was a strong and confident woman. She was intelligent, tough, and some day I knew would make an excellent wife and mother. She knew that too, but her desires to have a family did not detour her from continuing her education, working in a male dominated field, and reach every goal she has set for herself. She often expressed feeling personal struggle, between wanting to do what the Lord teaches, and still being able to maintain her goals. Would she really have to choose one or the other? I admired her greatly, and ever since our short lived companionship I have thought a lot about what I want for myself, as an individual. As a woman. As a daughter of God. I have wanted to be a wife and a mother since I was about 6 years old, and played house with my friends. I always envisioned myself married with a baby on my hip, and a casserole in the oven. That is the life I have always wanted for myself. As I grew older, and went through different phases of life, I developed a love for learning. As I served my mission in very economically and spiritually poor parts of Wisconsin, I realized I would be well suited for a profession in marriage and family therapy. I wanted to help these people understand how happy their lives could be. I wanted women to gain the confidence and the courage necessary to leave their abusive husbands. I wanted to help these people, and I knew as a missionary I was ridiculously limited in my knowledge and ability to help them in every way possible.
The internal battle I am facing right now is this: Does my church really teach that women are only designed to be mothers? Is my desire to have a career AND be a mother possible to achieve? Why are women looked down upon for wanting to travel, or not being married the moment they become a legal adult?
I instantly recall President Nelson's talk from October 2015 general conference:
"We, your brethren, need your strength, your conversion, your conviction, your ability to lead, your wisdom, and your voices. The kingdom of God is not and cannot be complete without women who make sacred covenants and then keep them, women who can speak with the power and authority of God!
President Packer declared:
“We need women who are organized and women who can organize. We need women with executive ability who can plan and direct and administer; women who can teach, women who can speak out. …
“We need women with the gift of discernment who can view the trends in the world and detect those that, however popular, are shallow or dangerous.”
Today, let me add that we need women who know how to make important things happen by their faith and who are courageous defenders of morality and families in a sin-sick world. We need women who are devoted to shepherding God’s children along the covenant path toward exaltation; women who know how to receive personal revelation, who understand the power and peace of the temple endowment; women who know how to call upon the powers of heaven to protect and strengthen children and families; women who teach fearlessly."
The first time I heard this, my initial thought was, "Yes! This world needs good women who are powerful and not afraid to embrace their power righteously." I was excited! I still listen to this talk and feel nothing but love come from the Spirit through the brethren who sincerely love the women in the church.
Elder Nelson continues to say, "Married or single, you sisters possess distinctive capabilities and special intuition you have received as gifts from God. We brethren cannot duplicate your unique influence...."
"Take your rightful and needful place in your home, in your community, and in the kingdom of God—more than you ever have before."
In class, my teacher said something that rubbed me the wrong way. In regards to girls being raised to get an education and start a career instead of spending their young adult years looking for a husband, my teacher compared being raised that way to being a girl brought up in the Soviet Union. I am certain that his comment wasn't meant to offend, and probably meant to be sarcastic, but I was taken back quite a bit.
I was automatically questioning myself. Is it my fault that I am not married because I decided to serve a mission when I was 21? Did I ruin my chance to marry? Was I raised wrong to believe that I can be patiently waiting for the right person to come along while I further my education? Why does the culture in the church make me feel so inadequate as a woman? How come it is so wrong to be married a little older?
The Mormon culture, and even the leaders council us to get married young, probably to "avoid the pitfalls of mortality" (Elder Richard G. Scott, April 2011 General Conference). I was raised to marry the right person at the right time in the right place. I was pretty shocked when the majority of my class agreed that the younger you get married the better it is for you. Marriage allows us to grow and learn. It is a commandment that makes us happy. I am excited for the day I can be married to my best friend, but I am okay to wait. Wouldn't it be a better choice to marry a little bit older, than to marry too young, and make crucial mistakes that will affect bringing children into the world? What about the divorce rates of those who marry when they are young? What about the law of chastity? You cant tell me that young people have never made the choice to marry strictly due to the fact that they want to have sex without getting in trouble..... come on...
No one seems to ever talk about these possibilities, however the talk of the town here at BYU-I do, is always, "Oh, why aren't you married?" or, "You should start looking for your spouse soon..."
Why is it such a bad thing to tell your young daughters to focus on their education, work towards their goals, and let God send the right man to them? Why is it so terrible to wait to be married? Why are we being taught to search high and low, putting all of our other responsibilities to the back in order to find someone to marry? Since when was that okay?
Marriage involves someone else's agency. It doesn't matter how well we dress, how we do our hair, what our make up looks like, or how flirty we are... Sometimes God has a different plan. I would hate to be floating around this campus, feeling like my purpose here was nothing greater than a ring on my finger and a wedding announcement in the mail. It can be depressing to wonder when it will be you walking down lovers lane holding someone's hand. Every devotional is centered around the idea of getting married and starting a family, and apparently even our professors are making it seem pretty clear that this is all we are good for.
Ladies and gentleman, this is the Mormon culture as a young single adult.
What about children?
I've met several married women here on campus who have felt a pressure to begin to have children right away. "I am only 20 years old, I am not ready to be a mother yet!"
My professor posed the question: "What happens to the spirits who don't get to come down here because a woman chooses not to have a child?"
The answers varied from, "Children will still be born in the millennium" or "They will go to someone else."
His response? "If you choose not to have kids, you are making someone's life miserable."
uhhh... what?
The Family a Proclamation to the World tells us, a long with scripture, that the Lord commanded us to multiply and replenish the earth. However, it is still between the Husband, the Wife and the Lord. If they choose to have one child, or one hundred, it is not up to us to judge why they made that choice. Agency is still a huge part of God's plan. I cant imagine He would want us to have children we couldn't afford to take care of, or perhaps even worse-children we didn't want to take care of. Is a child born in a home where their parents are neglecting them, really better than not having them at all?
I understand that all of God's children need and deserve a chance to come to earth and have this experience; but I can not get behind the idea that the choice of someone would completely de-rail God's plan for so many of His children. There are families who simply can't afford to raise more than a couple of children. Are they really making someone else's life miserable?
Women are being told that they cant "have it all". We must decide which we would prefer. Do we choose to receive a masters degree and become a Doctor or a Lawyer? Or, do we kiss those dreams good bye the moment that pregnancy stick gives us those two little lines?
Any career takes some form of sacrifice. We pay thousands of dollars and spend countless hours studying, losing sleep and our social lives, in order to graduate and get the job we have always wanted. Anyone who has ever believed that college is a breeze, has obviously never been to college. We make these sacrifices because we understand its importance-it makes us feel good about ourselves, teaches us discipline and allows us to develop a sense of self worth.
Parenthood, is also a sacrifice. Women surrender their body for 9 months, experiencing hormonal, physical, and emotional changes that impact her forever. Babies need constant attention and love. It is up to us to teach them how to walk, talk, write, tie their shoes, and some day, be a good citizen in their community. Parents pay for soccer games, dance lessons, birthday parties and all sorts of things just to see their children happy. Parenthood, coupled with marriage, teaches us to be selfless. It prepares us for Eternal life. It is the biggest sacrifice we will ever have to make.
Writing about it makes my heart melt. I cant wait to be a mother-and I know I will be a dang good one. I also feel a sickness in the pit of my stomach because I fear that some day, all the hopes and dreams I have made for myself the past 23 years will have to be disregarded if I choose to have a family. I shouldn't feel so torn and so upset. Why cant I have both a career and a family? Am I really so wrong to have these desires? We are counseled to receive an education, right? I would feel silly to have sacrificed all of this time, sleep and money for a piece of paper that I never utilize to help God's children. My career will help provide for the family that I would give my life for. I want to teach my daughters that if they work hard, they can be successful. Their dreams can come true if they move forward in faith, and put their back into it! What kind of example would I be setting for my children if I gave up the fight the moment I decided to bring them into this world? The influence of a good woman is never dismissed. Mothers have the most incredible honor, and I do not want anyone to believe for a second that I am grumpy about women who choose to stay home with their children OR women who choose to have a career. I believe that we can have both of those things.
Brothers and Sisters, we need to be sensitive and careful when discussing the family dynamics of the world-especially within the church. We are all individuals with specific reasons we are here on this earth. All of us have been commanded to marry and have children, and really, that is the biggest blessing we have been allotted. However, our worth should not be defined by how soon we got married, or how many children we have. We should not have to feel ashamed for our desire to improve ourselves or achieve our goals.
Men, if you want to stay at home with your kids while your wife works, I don't believe there is anything wrong with that. If its best for your family that she stays home, that is okay too-make sure she knows that her worth is greater than what she may believe. If you aren't ready to get married just yet, if you have some things you need to work on- that is okay too. Do not feel like you need to marry the first girl that comes along just because we are told to marry. This blog isn't just about women-you are important too. Like I said, I am not a feminist. I believe in equality. I believe in agency.
Do what the Lord needs YOU to do. If you need to serve a mission, go to college, take a break or whatever else, please, do not let the judgements and thoughts of other people be the reason you don't (or the reason you do).
Marry someone you love. Someone you support, admire, respect and adore. Have children because you want to be a parent, and desire to begin a family with that wonderful person you chose to love. Keep God in the center, counsel together with him ALWAYS. Everyone has a different path that will take us to the same destination *fingers crossed*
I really do believe that families are forever. Love is eternal. I believe that we have been blessed with all kinds of opportunities because God loves us so much, and wants us to utilize all of the tools He has given us so that we may learn to be like Him. He created us in His image... That means we are capeable of INCREDIBLE THINGS. Please know that you are divine and have infinite potential and worth. Please know that this life is meant to be enjoyed, and meant to bring love from all sorts of angles. Whatever your choice is, whatever you feel is right, know that Heavenly Father loves you.
Always move forward in faith, and stand firm in your conviction.
<3
No one seems to ever talk about these possibilities, however the talk of the town here at BYU-I do, is always, "Oh, why aren't you married?" or, "You should start looking for your spouse soon..."
Why is it such a bad thing to tell your young daughters to focus on their education, work towards their goals, and let God send the right man to them? Why is it so terrible to wait to be married? Why are we being taught to search high and low, putting all of our other responsibilities to the back in order to find someone to marry? Since when was that okay?
Marriage involves someone else's agency. It doesn't matter how well we dress, how we do our hair, what our make up looks like, or how flirty we are... Sometimes God has a different plan. I would hate to be floating around this campus, feeling like my purpose here was nothing greater than a ring on my finger and a wedding announcement in the mail. It can be depressing to wonder when it will be you walking down lovers lane holding someone's hand. Every devotional is centered around the idea of getting married and starting a family, and apparently even our professors are making it seem pretty clear that this is all we are good for.
Ladies and gentleman, this is the Mormon culture as a young single adult.
What about children?
I've met several married women here on campus who have felt a pressure to begin to have children right away. "I am only 20 years old, I am not ready to be a mother yet!"
My professor posed the question: "What happens to the spirits who don't get to come down here because a woman chooses not to have a child?"
The answers varied from, "Children will still be born in the millennium" or "They will go to someone else."
His response? "If you choose not to have kids, you are making someone's life miserable."
uhhh... what?
The Family a Proclamation to the World tells us, a long with scripture, that the Lord commanded us to multiply and replenish the earth. However, it is still between the Husband, the Wife and the Lord. If they choose to have one child, or one hundred, it is not up to us to judge why they made that choice. Agency is still a huge part of God's plan. I cant imagine He would want us to have children we couldn't afford to take care of, or perhaps even worse-children we didn't want to take care of. Is a child born in a home where their parents are neglecting them, really better than not having them at all?
I understand that all of God's children need and deserve a chance to come to earth and have this experience; but I can not get behind the idea that the choice of someone would completely de-rail God's plan for so many of His children. There are families who simply can't afford to raise more than a couple of children. Are they really making someone else's life miserable?
Women are being told that they cant "have it all". We must decide which we would prefer. Do we choose to receive a masters degree and become a Doctor or a Lawyer? Or, do we kiss those dreams good bye the moment that pregnancy stick gives us those two little lines?
Any career takes some form of sacrifice. We pay thousands of dollars and spend countless hours studying, losing sleep and our social lives, in order to graduate and get the job we have always wanted. Anyone who has ever believed that college is a breeze, has obviously never been to college. We make these sacrifices because we understand its importance-it makes us feel good about ourselves, teaches us discipline and allows us to develop a sense of self worth.
Parenthood, is also a sacrifice. Women surrender their body for 9 months, experiencing hormonal, physical, and emotional changes that impact her forever. Babies need constant attention and love. It is up to us to teach them how to walk, talk, write, tie their shoes, and some day, be a good citizen in their community. Parents pay for soccer games, dance lessons, birthday parties and all sorts of things just to see their children happy. Parenthood, coupled with marriage, teaches us to be selfless. It prepares us for Eternal life. It is the biggest sacrifice we will ever have to make.
Writing about it makes my heart melt. I cant wait to be a mother-and I know I will be a dang good one. I also feel a sickness in the pit of my stomach because I fear that some day, all the hopes and dreams I have made for myself the past 23 years will have to be disregarded if I choose to have a family. I shouldn't feel so torn and so upset. Why cant I have both a career and a family? Am I really so wrong to have these desires? We are counseled to receive an education, right? I would feel silly to have sacrificed all of this time, sleep and money for a piece of paper that I never utilize to help God's children. My career will help provide for the family that I would give my life for. I want to teach my daughters that if they work hard, they can be successful. Their dreams can come true if they move forward in faith, and put their back into it! What kind of example would I be setting for my children if I gave up the fight the moment I decided to bring them into this world? The influence of a good woman is never dismissed. Mothers have the most incredible honor, and I do not want anyone to believe for a second that I am grumpy about women who choose to stay home with their children OR women who choose to have a career. I believe that we can have both of those things.
Brothers and Sisters, we need to be sensitive and careful when discussing the family dynamics of the world-especially within the church. We are all individuals with specific reasons we are here on this earth. All of us have been commanded to marry and have children, and really, that is the biggest blessing we have been allotted. However, our worth should not be defined by how soon we got married, or how many children we have. We should not have to feel ashamed for our desire to improve ourselves or achieve our goals.
Men, if you want to stay at home with your kids while your wife works, I don't believe there is anything wrong with that. If its best for your family that she stays home, that is okay too-make sure she knows that her worth is greater than what she may believe. If you aren't ready to get married just yet, if you have some things you need to work on- that is okay too. Do not feel like you need to marry the first girl that comes along just because we are told to marry. This blog isn't just about women-you are important too. Like I said, I am not a feminist. I believe in equality. I believe in agency.
Do what the Lord needs YOU to do. If you need to serve a mission, go to college, take a break or whatever else, please, do not let the judgements and thoughts of other people be the reason you don't (or the reason you do).
Marry someone you love. Someone you support, admire, respect and adore. Have children because you want to be a parent, and desire to begin a family with that wonderful person you chose to love. Keep God in the center, counsel together with him ALWAYS. Everyone has a different path that will take us to the same destination *fingers crossed*
I really do believe that families are forever. Love is eternal. I believe that we have been blessed with all kinds of opportunities because God loves us so much, and wants us to utilize all of the tools He has given us so that we may learn to be like Him. He created us in His image... That means we are capeable of INCREDIBLE THINGS. Please know that you are divine and have infinite potential and worth. Please know that this life is meant to be enjoyed, and meant to bring love from all sorts of angles. Whatever your choice is, whatever you feel is right, know that Heavenly Father loves you.
Always move forward in faith, and stand firm in your conviction.
<3
Angelena, awesome job on this.
ReplyDeleteI want to say, when I was your age, all I thought about was being married and being a 'mommy'. That was my goal and the goal of my parents for me. They didn't really encourage the whole go away to college thing. It is what they did, got married and had kids. Its what our grandparents did and their parents and grandparents did before them.
I have NO regrets on being married and having you 2 kids. I loved being a mom and wife. Being your parent fulfilled me in a lot of ways. I actually can't think of another profession that left me with everything my kids taught me.
With that being said, as a single woman now, I wish I had a 'career' to fall back on to be able to sustain my life without a husband. Without this education, I am reduced to jobs that won't take me anywhere and the pay scale is at poverty level at most.
I think women can do both. I think if a woman had a career choice that she can do within the home and still raise kids more power to her! I think if she has a part time job to help bring in a little extra for the family good for her. I also feel if she is able and it doesn't take away from the finances, stay at home with her children. There is NO better job in the world raising healthy strong good citizens of this world.
This is wonderfully said. I have a big family...I joined the Church at 17 and married at 17. I was 19 when my first child was born. One thing that I believe a lot of members forget about is that Agency you spoke of: the OTHER person's agency! We just have no control over that! I married in the Temple, I stayed home, gave birth to 6 children, buried one, adopted one, took in homeless children...I fulfilled many Church callings and sustained my husband through many Church callings as well. Then he exercised HIS agency to be tired of family and church, and walked away. I cried, begged, prayed, promised.....and he still walked away. I always wished I'd had an education to fall back on when I found myself in the position of figuring out how to support a large family alone. He could have just as easily died in an accident or became severely disabled. I was UNPREPARED. And as Latter-day Saints, aren't we counselled to be prepared?
ReplyDeleteI ended up teaching ALL of my children, 4 daughters and 2 sons living, the value of having an education and being prepared for whatever your lot in life might be. I'm blessed that my kids are teachers, nurses, mathematicians, computer engineers. And I'm thankful that I myself finally got my college degree at 52 years old....better late than never, eh? You have a good solid understanding of reality, and I believe Our Father in Heaven expects you to use that good head he gave you!!
Great job, young lady!
Angelena ~ Great job girl!!! So impressed with your testimony and your outlook on your life. My daughter just graduated from BYU-I and pretty much feels the same way ~ as do I. Sometimes we need to gain our own prayerful knowledge on how we feel about the things that are said and taught to us. You go and do and be proud of who you are and the decisions you have made. I'm proud of you and so is your sweet mamma!!
ReplyDeleteI couldn't disagree more. But, I so strongly wish you well. I love the way you ask questions as part of your writing. Some of them are rhetorical. All of them are important. Leave a little room for the possibility that there is more to understand about being home full time.
ReplyDeleteDianna Mikulecky J.D. Mother of 11, great admirer of your mom sand YOU!
Having started the Eternal Family course when you started your Family Relations course, my mind has gone in similar directions. I've been remorseful that my husband and I chose not to have children. I didn't start feeling that way until I joined the Church. I think it's important for women to pursue and acquire some kind of a degree. As other comments have mentioned, there are plenty of situations in which mother is the only possible bread-winner in the family. It's important to be prepared.
ReplyDeleteHowever, I don't think it's impossible for a woman to pursue her education and getting married at the same time. I don't think it's impossible for a woman to continue her pursuit of education once she's had a child/children. With today's technology, it is possible to study 24/7 using a computer and the internet. It's also possible, with the same tools, to work from home.
My husband feels the same way about having children: he doesn't want any. I'm reaching the age when doctors think it's unwise to get pregnant, at least in current times. So, even though I'm remorseful, it's not realistic for me.
I was reminded in class last week that I have my Patriarchal Blessing, and it's okay if I don't have mortal children.
It's still possible we might foster or adopt mortal children, too.
You're right: each case is different. It's not a good idea to marry someone simply because of lustful desires.
I admire the faith and speed with which many Saints embark upon marriage.
I do think it's better to get married earlier rather than later. The longer a person lives by themselves, the more set in their own ways they become. I believe it becomes more difficult to learn to accommodate someone else to live with.
As a Missionary, you learned how difficult it was to have a constant companion. In my opinion Returned Missionaries are the best spouses; they've learned to live with at least one other person in close quarters for a period of time. They've learned to communicate in difficult situations, for the sake of the relationship.
Perhaps I'm gilding a lily I have never seen.
I think if a woman feels pressure to marry, she should pray about it. There's scripture about feeling peace in response to a question, and that peace is an indication that the pray-er is moving in the right direction.
If, after pondering and prayer and scripture study, an LDS woman still feels negative pressure to marry, that's an indication that it's not the right time.
I was taught early in my conversion that marrying and having children is not a 100% prerequisite for the celestial kingdom. There was a talk in 2011 or 2012 during Women's Conference given by a member of one of the female Presidencies. That woman had not married and had no children, and she was beyond currently "acceptable" childbearing years. But she had faith she would not miss out on any blessings because of those two facts on their own.
Do what God wants you to do. He will tell you what that is. Have faith.
As for having children "too early," I imagine some physical and mental damage could be done to a young woman if she got pregnant "too early." That age is probably different for all women. I know Saint families in which both parents were attending higher education when they married, and at least one of them has finished a degree. I know a family or two where both spouses have completed a degree. In both cases, I've seen some of those families who did not hesitate having children right away.
I've heard it said that stepping forward in faith, walking on God's path, brings unexpected and wonderful blessings. I think for young families that is especially true. The Church is designed so that Members help one another. As long as parents remain faithful and obedient, I believe they will be able to take care of their children, regardless of finances.
Probably another gilded lily, but those are my thoughts.
Thanks for starting this blog & this discussion.