These dreams are always about the ex. The boy who stole innocence from me. The one who chewed me up and spit me out. The one who did nothing but abuse, degrade, and destroy my worth and self esteem.
When I tell my conversion story, I don't hide the fact that I was in an abusive relationship, however I don't say a whole lot. After all, when I talk about how I found the light I try to keep talk of darkness at a minimum.
Abuse takes many forms. A black eye and a few bruises are always the most obvious and the most open to discussion. Especially when options are given to those who are physically abused and need help. But, what about those who have emotional scars? What about those who are spiritually maimed? What do we have to say about those who stumble upon depression and PTSD because of the abuse that they experienced?
Well, I am going to talk about it for a second. Someone has to say something.
I am always faced with a choice in these dreams. Lately, the choice is as simple as this; Do I stay with my loving husband, or do I take one step backward into the out of control spiral that was my life. The "ex" is always begging for me to come back so he can make things right. Promising me that he has changed. Apologizing for the mess he made. If this happened to me while I was awake, I know which way I would go. However, when I am asleep, I believe what he says. As soon as I make the choice, I feel sick to my stomach. The mirrors hanging on the wall do not show my reflection when I gaze into them, as if all life has been sucked right out of me. I try to be stronger than the grip he has on my soul, but I can feel myself shrink down to nothing. The only way I survive this terrible dream is by making him my life support. Everything that makes me who I am has been sold to the devil. My signature is on the dotted line.
When I awake in the morning, I look in the mirror to find that I can see myself, unlike the mirrors in my dreams. When I see my reflection, I don't see what my sweet husband sees. I see what the enemy sees. I can even feel things he use to call me. Fat. Ugly. Worthless. Stupid. Gross. Useless, and I start my day wearing those titles as if they are written on my skin for the world to see. I spend hours doubting my ability to be successful on my own, because he had always convinced me that my life was nothing without him. What started off so wonderful turned into something dark and twisted. He pulled me in promising me protection, but like a wolf in sheep's clothing, gnawed at me until I was nothing but afraid and dependent. He was loud, like an unexpected explosion. He couldn't control his temper and it was much worse when he was under the influence. He was unpredictable; something I once found attractive.
The truth is, I was never safe. I was never happy. I was never "in love". My choices were made for me. I couldn't have a hair cut or pick an outfit without his authorization. It got so bad that I had no idea who I was when he wasn't around. I found myself defending him when other people were caught up in his wrath. It was equally dangerous for someone to try and convince me to leave, as it was for me to stay. I made the choice to let him be the ruler and me the slave. He had taken so much from me. I became addicted. I needed rehab. I needed a way out. The only safe haven for me was prayer. God couldn't change my mind nor would he ever force his way in, but he was always there. Always listening. He was making an escape plan, waiting for me to be brave enough to step out of the darkness and fight.
I still suffer from the internal damage that has been done. However what would be the point of this story if there wasn't a happy ending?
The good Lord knew that I needed to find someone who would help me rehabilitate. He brought me to the knowledge that Christ had suffered for my suffering, and could rescue me from the pain. God brought me the gospel in full force when I was ready to move on and find myself again. After a few years of being single and letting my troubled heart heal, he brought me Isaac.
Isaac came with promises that had substance. He promises me love and follows through. He earned my trust, and with that, has worked side by side with the Lord to help me see myself as I am meant to be seen. I am reminded that I am EVERYTHING. I am a Daughter of God. I am Beautiful. Intelligent. Successful. Strong. Capable of amounting to amazing things. I have found safety in the Lord and in the husband He has blessed me with.
I know my experience has taught me a worth while lesson. I understand the pain and damage that is hidden under a smile. I am here to tell you that your experience is no less real than a punch in the face. I am here to tell you that there is good. There is safety and peace. There is hope for those who feel that all is lost. I will always have a ding in my armor, but it is possible to remember and still move forward. You can find happiness, I promise.
::: Here are a couple links I found that could be helpful to you or someone you know. Please do not be still. Do not be silent. Reach out and find the happiness you deserve!
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